BAM FIZZLE BALLZ

Hello nonblog readers.

I hope ya'll are doing well and life is treating you well.

Life has taken an interesting turn for me (as interesting as things in my life can be XD)

About a month ago my depression got worse, I was over-sensative, moody and hardly ever got out of bed. So I bucked up, took a concret pill, and went to the doctor. Now I am on anti-depressents and dear god do they knock you on your ass. I mean I thought my depression episodes were bad... fuck haha. I feel sick half the time, sleepy the other. I can sleep for like 12 hours... I never sleep that long... ever. Also an anoying factor is that I have put the weight on with this medication (its aparently a side-effect of the drugs). Its not like I have worked hard for the last few years to loose weight or anything....

But oh well... maybe when this drug fully kicks in I will be able to get the confidence to go to the gym.. maybe... haha or I'll just save up and get some equipment. 

Also... THE HYPERNESS I GET AT NIGHT TIME IS ANNOYING AS BALLZ!!

No joke.. I will be tired and sleepy all day...then as soon as it hits about 5pm, BAM, I am wide awake and hyper. Then at 1am, I fizzle out... 

So yes, that is currently what I am working with in my life. 

I have a client interview tomorrow so it will be interesting on seeing how that goes while I am still

getting use to the medication haha.

Welp, I am off to nom on some cookie and watch some twitch streamers.

Peace out nonblog readers <3

Bad Dino Mum

Hi non-blog readers

It had been one of those days where I have thoroughly eaten my feelings in a rather disturbing fashion, surely clogging my arteries with the astounding amount of unhealth in the form of chocolate and BurgerKing. Now I am slumped in my bed, listening to my iPod, wraped in my fluzzy dressing gown, and cuddled with my beautiful and adorable fur baby. Not to mention keeping my mind occupied with steamy Pride and Prejudice fanfiction. A much deserved rest in my mind after a rough day of trying to tame some dinosaurs on Ark. I was successful with the large deer creatures (I would have no idea as to how to spell their actual name) and very unsuccessful with the rather irritating and infuriating Gallimimus. I had managed to tame at least two today... before they got stuck on trees and other world obstacles and eaten by various creatures... fucking Dilos and fucking bugs.. ggrrrrr

I feel I should just give up on my dreams to have giant beavers in my Ark tribe.. 

Anyway, just felt like writing .. it is going to be a long night non-readers
Good night and peace out <3

Wet Noodle

Hi nonblog readers, how have you all been? Its been such a long time.

I just took some time to scroll down the blog page.. I am so sorry about the weirdness of my mind. It goes from rage/rant to poet..wtf XD
Anyway. That is not why I am here today. Today is such a strange day. I am feeling reasonably good. Little to no incidents of doubt in my mind. And the little there is I am questioning.
So here it goes. I figured out today, other than in a work situation (which even then I am as artistic and fluent in the practice of charisma as a wet noddle), I am totally shit at interactions with people I have not spent extended amounts of time around.
I was blind sided by a hug by a friend today, and dear god was I lost for words. "Oh hi, do you like my tattoo? I got it done a few weeks ago, I just didnt tell anyone..."
Damn I am smooth right? Again, my statement of effectiveness as a wet noodle is accurtate.
In reflection of my blurps in behaviour and speach, attitudes, etc, I put down to the lack of observations and addaption into society due to inner conflict of the mind.
I mean, the evidence below in all the previous blog posts pretty much backs up this observation and gives validity to it. 

Even now I am looking back at my interactions today. I shouldnt because that is a common action when doubt controls my mind. But I guess its habit now.
I was texting J, about how I was feeling weird. But I felt I approached the situation wrong, sent the wrong words. DOUBT very present in the interaction.
Logic came out not long after and kindly stateted that she could be busy, dealing with her own shit, or otherwise engaged.
I just wanted to tell someone, with a little knowledge to how I was feeling, about what was going on. Basicly, inside my soul feels lite, flying, free, so a good feeling. Like I am happy (I mean what the fuck am I doing feeling happy? Its such an odd feeling for me), but I still have doubt ever present there,but more in the form of a weight that is clouding around me. I very much want to break free of it.

HUH!! Is it ever really that easy for me?
I am also very much recovered from the lastest heart break. Though that whole situtation is still confusing as fuck for me. But I am rolling with the punches and getting on with life.
If only this feeling had come along sooner. Just because I am behind yet another year in my course.
I am not sad for it. But rather greatful in fact. I think I needed a little break from the stress of student life. I am still doing papers. But Just 3 instead of 5 over the whole year. Am I very lucky when it comes to my lecturers. They are amazing and really accomidating. I am so greatful to them.
And guess what guys.. I am acctually going to get my learners this year.. AHHH (it is something I am a bit scared of..driving, that is)
I want to be able to hop in my car and just drive to go see my mum when ever I want (I know how childish that sounds) same with my other family. They are only two hours away, and would be easy for me when I need to be around family. Plus my sister wouldn't complain to me so much about not seeing her often :D
I am a nice big sister, I even cook for her when I am down to see her. I rememher when she got so mad at me for cleaning her apartment.
It was not my fault guys! She left me there, alone... it was messy.. I got bored after watching all of my daily youtube videos.. hehe
Anyway my non-bloggers I am going to go back to reading my fanfic, Just thought I would give a little update on how things are in my life.
I hope you guys are fantastic, happy, and doing the things you love. If not. Big huggles from me to you.
Peace out <3

New Introductions

Hi non blog readers, been awhile huh... yea

Lets just say, I have not been the bravest lately. In fact, I can safely say I have been a coward.

I thought I found heaven, my Superman, but so very clearly not. 

I will admit to have been blinded by rose tinted glasses, and left burned. But really, it was my own fault. 

Throughout my life i have often taken to blame others for things, and in part that is true. But i had forgotten one aspect of all the things wrong in my life. The key player in all this. Me.

So lets start again, you and me. Because i am new.

Hi. My name is Anne-Marie, I am twenty two years old, Capricorn. 

I was born in Hastings Hospital, 1993.

My Parents are Simone, and Pernell.

I have two siblings, my older brother Aaron and younger sister Azrielle.

I am studying at Massey University to become a social worker. 

Helping people has always been my dream, though that dream seems far to me at the moment. 

I currently work at an organisation as a part time support worker for people with developmental disabilities. And i have a cat named Regina, whom i adore greatly (even if i call her Satan :P)

From the contents below this post you would have read all about my depression and my seemingly endless trust issues, so i wont get into all that. No. Today, I am going to critically analyse myself.. Yikes...Well lets do this.

Where to start. Probably with relationships right? As that is the currently BIG thing in my head at the moment. 

I tend to fall for the bad guys. Well they aren't bad, just ended up hurting me. So automatically bad for me. They all happen to be long distance relationships (not just a different part of NZ, but whole oceans away) which i have been told is a way to protect myself from getting hurt... WELL FAT FUCKING LUCK THAT IS... stupid.. 

Sorry.. when i get told this it pisses me off to no end. BECAUSE I AM TO YOUNG AND DONT KNOW FUCKING ANYTHING BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE EXPERIENCE.. well fuck you i have had more in my life than i should have at my fucking age..

right.. rage over

I tend to fall for the broken boys and girls of the world, maybe its my need to help people and also be loved by them..maybe i think they wont hurt me.. or wont leave me.. i dont know...

could analyse this part for ages but i dont really have time for that. 

Right next part. I dont really know much about maintaining relationships, i know how to support people and talk, but i think i miss out on a key part. One of the other things i do to keep someone is use my body, sex appeal, and my kinkiness. And i know its wrong, i guess its my fucked up way of showing my partner that i love them? Or maybe its the only way how i know to express my love.

Its how I got the last one (who happened to be in a relationship of 5 years) and still was for the six months we were "together" I say this lightly as it wasn't really true. Well it was for me, not for him. 

I question myself all the time, "how do you end up in relationships that just end up leaving scars" 

Maybe because i dont know how to love? Well. Not properly anyway. Not even my friendships.

I tend to fuck them up too. 

I had to hurt one not to long ago... because i couldn't love him as i had once did. Also because i dont know how to love someone again. I am still working on what that looks like for me. I am not nearly close to the person I want to be yet. 

I was in a lecture the other day, and what he said stuck with me,  we are perpetually learning and growing and so constantly developing who we are.. 

...and so for now. I am Anne-Marie, I am twenty two years old and working towards being a social worker. I have many scars, some not just on my skin. I had forgotten how much i loved to create art, and how to love, and so re-learning them.

I adore my crazy, imperfect family, and I havent spoken to my father for almost a year now (it could be a year, i can't remember) and i may never talk to him again. But, you never know what the future may bring.

I am still learning about who I am and to embrace it all with pride..

And you to.. its ok if you haven't gotten it all sorted out.. everyone of us are still learning about who and what we are..perpetually learning <3

You Love, You Learn. You Cry, You Learn.

I still don't undertsand why,

For six months...six months.. you made me love you.

The whispers of sweet nothings stll spin around my head as soon as I lay it down on my pillow. But its not really my pillow. I had to run from my home, just to escape for a while.

Six months.. then a message out of the blue, 6am..it takes us a full 10minutes of converstation. 

Then nothing, there one second, and gone the next, Feel as if I have whiplash.

After everything, after all I ask for was honesty. That if you didn't love me, then leave me.

But you see, I can't tell if you did love me, or didn't. It is all a jumble in my head. 

Evidence that I can see now make light of both, can be seen to lean towards one or the other.

That is all I am stuck on. And that is what is hurting the most.

I shouldn't be in love with a lie, and I wont be. But was the lie in love with me?

What pisses me off though, was you knew everything.. and I mean, everything. Every shadow and scar... but still you didn't see that you should pull away.

Should have pulled away. Should have left me alone. 

I am good alone.. I know what alone is like, it is familiar.

But I will learn from this, as I have done in the past. And I'll admit you helped me learn things to. I am both saddened and greatful...

But next time, leave the broken girl out of it.. she doesnt want you.

You claim it was love.. but I dont think you know what love is

I wont be defined by you, 

I am beautiful, smart, sexy 

And can still smile in spite of you.

Karma will get you and I will find the person who really loves me.

I feel I am the winner.

I AM the winner.

Running, running...

Today i ran

was the most pathetic thing i have done in the past two years

what did i run from?

I couldn't answer that because i dont know.

I said good night and left my phone in my room so i could wash away the dirt,

on the outside, sure i was clean, but inside it is still thick and coking me as i swallow.

I could simply blame the fact that i am on my period, but i don't know. So here i am

Sitting alone in my room crying over nothing. 

But also not alone as those voices have come out of the wood work. Already screaming at me.

"Dear God you're pathetic."

"Hahaha you ran"

Over and over, the insults rain in. The worst part? I believe them.

I can't bring myself to do anything. I couldn't get out of bed this morning until i ran away.

I kept sleeping, was the only thing i could do...

I feel like the old me. And by fuck thats scaring me.

help me...