You Love, You Learn. You Cry, You Learn.

I still don't undertsand why,

For six months...six months.. you made me love you.

The whispers of sweet nothings stll spin around my head as soon as I lay it down on my pillow. But its not really my pillow. I had to run from my home, just to escape for a while.

Six months.. then a message out of the blue, 6am..it takes us a full 10minutes of converstation. 

Then nothing, there one second, and gone the next, Feel as if I have whiplash.

After everything, after all I ask for was honesty. That if you didn't love me, then leave me.

But you see, I can't tell if you did love me, or didn't. It is all a jumble in my head. 

Evidence that I can see now make light of both, can be seen to lean towards one or the other.

That is all I am stuck on. And that is what is hurting the most.

I shouldn't be in love with a lie, and I wont be. But was the lie in love with me?

What pisses me off though, was you knew everything.. and I mean, everything. Every shadow and scar... but still you didn't see that you should pull away.

Should have pulled away. Should have left me alone. 

I am good alone.. I know what alone is like, it is familiar.

But I will learn from this, as I have done in the past. And I'll admit you helped me learn things to. I am both saddened and greatful...

But next time, leave the broken girl out of it.. she doesnt want you.

You claim it was love.. but I dont think you know what love is

I wont be defined by you, 

I am beautiful, smart, sexy 

And can still smile in spite of you.

Karma will get you and I will find the person who really loves me.

I feel I am the winner.

I AM the winner.

Running, running...

Today i ran

was the most pathetic thing i have done in the past two years

what did i run from?

I couldn't answer that because i dont know.

I said good night and left my phone in my room so i could wash away the dirt,

on the outside, sure i was clean, but inside it is still thick and coking me as i swallow.

I could simply blame the fact that i am on my period, but i don't know. So here i am

Sitting alone in my room crying over nothing. 

But also not alone as those voices have come out of the wood work. Already screaming at me.

"Dear God you're pathetic."

"Hahaha you ran"

Over and over, the insults rain in. The worst part? I believe them.

I can't bring myself to do anything. I couldn't get out of bed this morning until i ran away.

I kept sleeping, was the only thing i could do...

I feel like the old me. And by fuck thats scaring me.

help me...