Stages in life... why the fuck are they called stages..??

So.. hello non-blog readers
I am sitting in bed, surouded in blankets.. and i can see my breath.. ITS TO DAMN COLD!
Right, this wasn't actually the point of this blog.
So as what usually happens, i am at the point in which the voice has stopped sreaming at me that i am a failure at all things. It is now that quiet calm after the storm and the sun begins to peek through the grey. Im ignoring the damage its done.. mostly eczema ..pain in the arse considering its on my eyelids... grrr!
So the calm it is own way is both bad and good. Bad coz of the after effects, but good because its that moment of clarity.. where you ask yourself where you are in your life.. what "stage" you are at... pretty sure most of us have googled it..i havent haha
I'm not going to call it a stage or a point in my life, it is the space and time of which i am in.. waffly but will have to do. 

So i am currently in a space where i think, hey, i am a nice person, a little bit of a hermit, but a good person none the less.
..yet i am still single.. yip.. single... 

I know i shouldn't be defined by something like that, and im not. I dont hold the standards of society, i just want a partner.. is that so hard? I mean, yea im not sexy, thin, or blonde.. but i am a good cook, i love to bake, i clean... fucking amazing at cuddles.. but still...single

Don't get me wrong, i am ok with things how they are, i am ok being single. I find no fault in it.

but yea...

Would write more but my hands are getting frozen :/
Peace out <3

Co-operating with the Voices in My Head

I have this voice in my head,
Its often my own
Its starts with a whisper, 

and picks up to a storm.

I try to ignore it and push it away,

but its never stayed that way.

It comes back like a hurrican, crashing and thudding,

breaking every bridge I built

 and things I made by hand.

I don't know why it all seems to matter,

even the small things, insignificant.

And it picks and picks, it pokes the snake and temps it to bite,

the voice in my head is often my own and sometimes that of others, 

some I have never meet and yet to meet,

that of strangers, of friend and foe.

So I sit here alone like always, 

but not really alone right?

Doubt is my constant companion.

Hi non-blog readers, teddi here again. So, I had to force myself to leave one of my favorite places today..and no it wasn't youtube, though I am still on there every day. This time it was a stream on twitch, I figured it would be a good day to return there, but of course I was wrong.
I have had to take a few days from interacting with people, might have to take tomorrow off depending on how my heads working.
There I go, on my tangent as always. Anyway, Doubt was who I was talking about. The not-poem above says it all really. It starts off as that voice you hear, the one that laughs at you and whispers to you all of your down falls and faults. Then it gets louder and points out everything you fail at and things you will fail in the future. Then it gets louder and louder the more you ignore it and pretent its not there. In the stream chat, it was at an earth shattering decible that was going.. "oh why didn't they include you? Because you suck thats why, your not worth anything. Your not worth a single thing at all...."
Even had to stop typing in chat.. ended up saying that I was cultivating Mushrooms in the corner... and yes of course it was an anime reference.. not going to stop me from being nerdy. 

It was just bad, and it gave me time to pause and ask myself what was going on here. I can't tell you why i was thinking the way I do, or why the voice effects me so much, but I thought; "Why does my opinion of myself reflect those of what others think (and mostly the negative)
And its true, I have let society and those around be influence the way I view things. Body image being the biggest one of all. I am not a thin girl, I am most certainly on the fat side with my belly rolls and double chins when laying in bed typing the way I am right now.
In my eyes I'm not beautiful, or pretty, or sexy, or things that people look for in a partner. I am unattractive. I wish that I could look at myself and say every day that I look good, or sexy, or even pretty. I wish I could do that. But instead im like, yip acne is still there, yip my stomach is still fat, flabby arms, thick cubby legs with no ankles. I see the black brused look around my eyes, I see all the little red dots on my face and the scabs.
I want to scream and pull out my hair, cry and disapear. I hate being this way and I wish I could stop. I went to counciling and it helped a bit. But obviously not enough. Maybe I need to go to therapy or something.
Its funny how I'm not judgemental to others and only myself. But hey, I supose many people are going through the same very thing as I am.
I hope it gets better and that one day I can look in a mirror and see all the beautiful, I hope one day Doubt wont be my everyday companion.
Peace Out ya'll, I'm getting sleepy :3