Linkin Park and Cat Cuddles

Hello to all the non-existent people who don't read my blog, how are you all?

Well I am not doing so well, as I expected for around this time of year. Also what makes it all the better is your mother sending you a text just to remind you that it has been two years since the worst day of my life so far.. thanks mum.. awesome. 

I can't accurately express everything. My head is a mess and I am feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Questioning my own life again.. and hoping I don't wake up... Its not a way to live is it? More like filling a space and just existing within that space.

I want to have more meaning than that. I want to do something good, something that makes a difference. 

IM NOT OK! 

Fuck balls..i can't event stick to a train of thought. 

I'm getting tired again.. i hate this feeling.. warped and spinning in circles, crying at stupid things. 

My first boy firend treated me like shit, my first girl friend dumped me, I can't blame her i wasn't really good to her.. It was a stupid comment that my nan said to me that made me question my own choices.. thats not family right? Family is supose to stand with you right? My next boy friend wasn't ready for a relationship and i couldn't handle a guy like that. We are still friends to this day though haha.

There are so many other things that are going through my head. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GET PEOPLE FOR XMAS!

I dont want to leave my cat alone while i go to my mums for christmas. Sounds dumb right? But i dont want her to feel lonely, shes my baby girl. 

I feel kinda used by people, i use them to of course, everyone does that. Its human nature to use one another, and no not in a dirty way, get your minds out of the gutter. 

I really want to be in a relationship. I want someone to look at me and feel all light inside, someone to hold my hand, kiss me, and just hold me. Laugh with me, or at me when i do stupid shit, to tell me off when i go to dark places. 

I want some Unconiditional Love..

I DONT WANT A 21ST! I dont want a party, I just want to be.. do something that i want. Hang with people, go for a long walk along the beach. I just want to have a fun day.. Nope a Party it has to be.. why?? Why you ask? Because that is what my family wants.. right? Coz it doesnt matter that I DIDNT WANT A FUCKING BIRTHDAY AGAIN I FUCKING HATE IT, GOT IT! FUCKING HATE IT!! My own birthday its a trumatic event for me.. like what the fuck is wrong with me that thats a thing?? I wana just run away.. I dont want a day like that anymore.. I'ma just forget that day this year.. its not a birthday.. just a day..of celebration? A day to hang with me? I dont know ...

Fuck it, I'm outies bitches.. 

peace 

4:30 and Thinking, Probably not a good thing

Woke up at 4:30 this morning and am pretty much wide awake. To much going on in my mind again. I think way to much. Its a problem I get from my dad lol.

Christmas is one that has been on my mind a lot. the big question at the moment is what the hell do I get people? Its an expected thing now days, to recive a gift on christmas. Right?

Strangely I don't feel that way any more. I have learned what my love language is and thats all I can think of. (My lave language is acts of service and quality time). I would love just to make more memories with my family..

But again there is an expectation that I feel that I must meet. Its a tough thing, in my mind, no matter what I get, it would not be good enough, nothing that really truely have meaning at all. 

Sounds stupid right?

Haha

Comformaty is the only way to go now I guess. That sounds worse than in the context I mean it. I guess some just forget the meaning of Christmas, its a day to celebrate with your family, to be around them in all their unconditional love. To make new memories, to remember why you love that person the way you do. A day of love right.

Now days its getting the right present or, now days, rage consumes. I mean have you seen some of the shit on youtube and facebook about it? My mum and dad got me the wrong iPhone or the wrong car... OMFG you got an iPhone and a car you little shit be mother fucking grateful. 

I dont want something that is just an object. I want moments, I want memories. Times back that I can relive again and again so that I can smile and my faith in Love is returned.

Rather gloomy post as usual, but today is a good day, I'm feeling rather happy haha.

Just tired again coz its is way to fucking early to be up and awake.

So, back to trying to sleep, and if that fails, guess I'll read manga.

Have a happy Christmas guys.

Peace yall :3

Purple, My Colour of Empowerment and Strength

I have been trying to work out my life for what seems like forever. Trying to work out who I am. Thats the more important question right? Who am I? What am I?
There is a common misconseption that you have to work out who you are before a certain age.. They ask you when your younger what you want to be when you grow up, and that question is asked of you for years to come after untill high school where you are supose to work it all out. Pick the right subjects so you can go to uni and get a degree and then you can get into the best jobs. Well fuck that. I am twenty years old, will be twenty one in 24 days, and I can say that I am still fumbling around trying to work shit out. Especiallly who the fuck I am.
I have never really been a happy person, I have had the greatest experiences in my life so far, but I can never truly say that I have been a happy person. As my sister has told me (after I asked her what I was like) .. I was a downer. And I can't express how sorry I am to the effects that had to the people around me. Probably why they all view me as glass.
I can see the truth to her words though, looking back. I wasn't a downer directly to anyone else, mostly myself, which probably ruined a lot of relationships for me in the past. But I can safely say that I am doing a lot better now. Still working out a lot of things, and the month of December doesnt really help with all that, with all the shitty memories. And I know that I am still so fucking lost in my life, still stumbling down the path before me, and FUCK!!! is all that I can think to say.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING! No really what the fuck can I do in my life?? I want to be able to help people, help them in some way that saves them from being where I am. Lost. Its the shittiest feelings to have. I want to become a social worker, its my passion, my love, what I want to do with my life. I want to help people. Thats all I have ever wanted to do.

When I actually picked what I wanted to do with my life, my father told me I was going to fail. Great thing to say to an 17yr old who was able to make the choice of what she wanted to do with her life, even though everything was on shaking ground and not really able to make a solid choice about anything. Right.

Well then shit hit the fan after that really, my ex was being a cunt, one of my best mates left me to fend for myself and I was in a new place with strangers. There were some really good things though, that happened that year, some that I will carry with me for a long time. 

My first memorie was sitting in the car with my mother, she was helping me bring my stuff down to my hostle at Uni on campus. It was good really, she helped me set things up, I spent the night with her and then she dropped me off in the morning. Well then the tears insued after that. My mate was rather at a loss of what to do, he was not use to me crying haha. Me saying good bye to her was a way of saying good bye to my child dependence on her. Yea I was mature at that point, but there was something that always was there, even now we still have that thing that makes us kids back when mum would do the washing, make our beds and lunches for school.

It was me saying good bye to all that. Then as first year ended, I went back home .. then the parental split happened. I have probably mentioned this in other posts. But it was not a good experience. I was a fucked up kid, (less so now). Having that foundation torn from me before I was really ready for it, was shit. Did not end well for me. It took me a long time for me to accept that I needed help to move on from this. I have an amazing councilor. She is such a wonderful person, has a way of understanding and allowing me to make up my mind while talking to her. I supose all councilors are like that, but it was a good working relationship. She set the boundaries and allowed me to do the same. 

I am really greatful to her, and her help, and its a comfort to know that I do have that support and also that I could have the strength to go to a councilor and be like "hey, I am struggling and I really need someone to help me."

I had an arogance at the time where I thought I could work through it all by myself. Well I couldn't. And so bam, after talking to my flat mate and her sitting down and telling me to fill out the online form, I was setting up an apointment and then met L who I thank for helping me. 

I learned a lot about myself in L's office. About myself and about others. 

I am becoming more confident in myself, and I will still have set backs, much like today, but I will work through them and be ok. 

Such a funny thing going from one mind space to another that is so foreign to you. Kind of spins your head a bit, but it fills you with a feeling, like stength, but its a hard feeling to express into words. Empowered. Sure. Found. Lite. Sad. Tired. Its all these things wrapped up and flowing through you.

Peace and Love 

I'm outties