Its ok self, you don't have to keep fighting

Hello non blog readers,
how are you? Been up to much? Hows life?
Well as you can probably guess! I'm at a bad point and need to talk it out to myself and well with you. Though i know you can't actually reply to me, or are even there, but my for this my mind is going to think that.
SOOOOO, this is something that only really happened last night. I have like, a cold or a flu or something, its not that bad yet, but its annoying as fuck and drains a lot of energy out of me. So i was rather in a bad head space to begin with and was pretty much falling asleep. So my partner is watching iZombie, and has a total start crush on Liv Moore. He was pretty hyped at all the shows coming back over the past few days and nerdgasms in chat. Its rather adorable. But last night i dont know, it was just weird. We do that couple thing (because we are long distance) and can't actually kiss each other, we type it within the *[]*, like an action motion... or what ever you call it. So he was doing that... but in my mind, i was like.."Where is this coming from..?" Like yea, sometimes it is out of the blue, but because I am a fucked up person with a LOT of issues, i went instantly suspicious. 

"Was he turned on because of me? Or was it because of his TV crush?"

Silly right? Being jealous of a damn character? WTF is wrong with me. And its still a dark cloud above my head. And i guess i have been an untalkative bitch for a while.. like sulking... FUCKING GROW UP ME! 

..... I also know its not that easy even as i mentally yell at myself.. i know its because of my past and all the shit that included... also my shitty excuse of a father... I can't tell who is more pathetic now days... Me? Or my father? I use to think it was my father, but am I just making excuses now? Like... am i using the shit he put my mother and my brother, sister and I? Do i keep pulling it up as a sheild because thats all i know what to do? Because its some place familiar? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXjXKT98esw

He's my superman....
Geez.... the ammount of shit i put him through.. I could apologise for a million years and still it wouldn't be enough.. he would tell me to shut up but I'd still spend my life making it up to him. I feel myself running in the oposite direction... like a test to see how far i can push before he breaks.. I hate that ... I hate that i do that. Please mind... please stop

I don't want to do that, i really love him. Let me do it without all the past blinding my future... 

It may be with him, it may not, but PLEASE just let me live it... dont cloud it with the past.
I am tired of hurting the ones i love... because i'm afraid to trust them.. of letting them to close... close enough to hurt me. 

Please mind... you don't have to keep fighting...

Peaceout 

Battles and scars

Hey non-blog readers, 

so it is yet another long night for me and the voices in my head so i figure i would write here again. I am actually listening to Katy Perry to help XD

Anyway, so the voices.. they are just being their fantastic selves again. "I feel it may have been to soon to get into a relationship" are the words that keep flashing past my minds eye. 

Truth be told, IT FUCKING SUCKS (the flashing words, just to clarify)

But yes, relationships are hard, considering there are multiple voices in my head that my partner also has to deal with, not a really fair deal. 

I want to get better, not just for me, but for him to... i mean fuck.. what is it like dating soneone like me? Shit haha it was like the convo today, he said he wasn't as complicated as he thought. I said i was complicated enough for the both of us.. he agreed.. i wasn't sure if i should laugh for feel offended haha. But its true sadly. I wish i was less complicated, i wish i could be rid of depression, and not live through and FIGHT every step of my life against myself. 

I can just see it in my head, two of me, this side of me ragged, tired, blue and black. The other is darker, pale and covered in scars and blood, grinning at me with blood pouring from her lips as she spits her vile lies, her dark truths and horrid exaggerations. The both of us running to each other in the epic battle of who will run the small body and brain in the corner, so small. The body screaming as the two war it out for control. 

I want to get better before this bleeds my heart out. 

I want to build him up,

not tear him down.

I want to be the good part,

not just the bad.

Peace out non-readers <3

Because of you....

Because of you, I have no father
Because of you, I have my mother
Because of you, I had my foundations shattered to pieces
Because of you, I lost a whole year of my life
Because of you, I didn't think I could get this far into my degree
Because of you, I struggle to trust people
Because of you, I only formed my own idenity at 21
Because of you, I am terrified to love
Because of you, I had to take the role of mother to take care of my own mum
Because of you, me and my siblings struggle with most aspects of our lives
Because of you, I have built walls around my heart..

Because of him, I feel as though I can love
Because of him, I feel as though I can trust
Because of him, I see moments of self beauty
Because of him, I feel like the sun in someones life

Because of you though, I am terrified I will say and do the wrong thing, that telling him everything will scare him away.
Because of you though, deep down I know he will leave me, even though it may not be true.
Because of you though, its a real fear for me that he will tire of me and find someone new.
Because of you though, I only let him so close before pushing him away.

He scares the voices away, but because of you, they scream even louder.

Stages in life... why the fuck are they called stages..??

So.. hello non-blog readers
I am sitting in bed, surouded in blankets.. and i can see my breath.. ITS TO DAMN COLD!
Right, this wasn't actually the point of this blog.
So as what usually happens, i am at the point in which the voice has stopped sreaming at me that i am a failure at all things. It is now that quiet calm after the storm and the sun begins to peek through the grey. Im ignoring the damage its done.. mostly eczema ..pain in the arse considering its on my eyelids... grrr!
So the calm it is own way is both bad and good. Bad coz of the after effects, but good because its that moment of clarity.. where you ask yourself where you are in your life.. what "stage" you are at... pretty sure most of us have googled it..i havent haha
I'm not going to call it a stage or a point in my life, it is the space and time of which i am in.. waffly but will have to do. 

So i am currently in a space where i think, hey, i am a nice person, a little bit of a hermit, but a good person none the less.
..yet i am still single.. yip.. single... 

I know i shouldn't be defined by something like that, and im not. I dont hold the standards of society, i just want a partner.. is that so hard? I mean, yea im not sexy, thin, or blonde.. but i am a good cook, i love to bake, i clean... fucking amazing at cuddles.. but still...single

Don't get me wrong, i am ok with things how they are, i am ok being single. I find no fault in it.

but yea...

Would write more but my hands are getting frozen :/
Peace out <3

Co-operating with the Voices in My Head

I have this voice in my head,
Its often my own
Its starts with a whisper, 

and picks up to a storm.

I try to ignore it and push it away,

but its never stayed that way.

It comes back like a hurrican, crashing and thudding,

breaking every bridge I built

 and things I made by hand.

I don't know why it all seems to matter,

even the small things, insignificant.

And it picks and picks, it pokes the snake and temps it to bite,

the voice in my head is often my own and sometimes that of others, 

some I have never meet and yet to meet,

that of strangers, of friend and foe.

So I sit here alone like always, 

but not really alone right?

Doubt is my constant companion.

Hi non-blog readers, teddi here again. So, I had to force myself to leave one of my favorite places today..and no it wasn't youtube, though I am still on there every day. This time it was a stream on twitch, I figured it would be a good day to return there, but of course I was wrong.
I have had to take a few days from interacting with people, might have to take tomorrow off depending on how my heads working.
There I go, on my tangent as always. Anyway, Doubt was who I was talking about. The not-poem above says it all really. It starts off as that voice you hear, the one that laughs at you and whispers to you all of your down falls and faults. Then it gets louder and points out everything you fail at and things you will fail in the future. Then it gets louder and louder the more you ignore it and pretent its not there. In the stream chat, it was at an earth shattering decible that was going.. "oh why didn't they include you? Because you suck thats why, your not worth anything. Your not worth a single thing at all...."
Even had to stop typing in chat.. ended up saying that I was cultivating Mushrooms in the corner... and yes of course it was an anime reference.. not going to stop me from being nerdy. 

It was just bad, and it gave me time to pause and ask myself what was going on here. I can't tell you why i was thinking the way I do, or why the voice effects me so much, but I thought; "Why does my opinion of myself reflect those of what others think (and mostly the negative)
And its true, I have let society and those around be influence the way I view things. Body image being the biggest one of all. I am not a thin girl, I am most certainly on the fat side with my belly rolls and double chins when laying in bed typing the way I am right now.
In my eyes I'm not beautiful, or pretty, or sexy, or things that people look for in a partner. I am unattractive. I wish that I could look at myself and say every day that I look good, or sexy, or even pretty. I wish I could do that. But instead im like, yip acne is still there, yip my stomach is still fat, flabby arms, thick cubby legs with no ankles. I see the black brused look around my eyes, I see all the little red dots on my face and the scabs.
I want to scream and pull out my hair, cry and disapear. I hate being this way and I wish I could stop. I went to counciling and it helped a bit. But obviously not enough. Maybe I need to go to therapy or something.
Its funny how I'm not judgemental to others and only myself. But hey, I supose many people are going through the same very thing as I am.
I hope it gets better and that one day I can look in a mirror and see all the beautiful, I hope one day Doubt wont be my everyday companion.
Peace Out ya'll, I'm getting sleepy :3

My Life and Youtube

Just want to first mention that to write this blog, I have to listen to Prodigy...
Anyway..HI! Hows it going my non-blog readers? I am having mixed emotions today. The most prominent one being boredom and irritation (at flys constantly touching me!!)
My day started off as most of my days do, my darling feline decided it was time to wake mum up because she was hungry.. and as I do most mornings I ignore her until I decide its time to get up and feed her. This time my phone buzzed, I maybe getting a job! <-- excitement!! As I usually do, I being to panic.. "will I be able to do this? What about if I get sick a lot? (which is a high possibility)" and then the ever present OMG and flayling limbs of angst and dred. Considering I had only about 4-5 hours sleep and in no mind set to deal with this new information, I went back to sleep, much to the horror of my cat.
My dreams did not help with the panic of a job oportunity, instead it fed my fear. Lucky my darling saved me from the rest of what my mind could dream up and decided that it was time for mum to get up and feed her, sleeping was no longer an opition.
It wasn't till after I was feeding my stomach and my addiction of Youtube, (of course feeding the Queen feline, was not going to suffer her iron-paw wrath) that it kicked in that this would be a great opitunity for me and decided with my 'final' voice (one of the voices in my head) that "Yes, I am getting that job and be a responsible adult."
Then came the phone call, yes THE phone call. One that is both welcome and aproached with caution.. My Mum called. This time it was pretty sad news all around, one of my family friends was given hours to live. I have known her all my life really, a lovely lady who I hope goes on without pain, surounded by love and peace into the next. Though this news was expected, you always think that you have more time, and that pain was evident in my mums voice. As is my habit I tried to make her feel better. I have an odd way of dealing with death, I wont cry until after the funeral.. Like.. Every time. No joke. I don't know why I am like that, its not normal is it??
Anway, thats not what made this moment worse, it was that my father used this lovely ladies time frame of life against my mother, as a taunt. Like... WTF is wrong with you that you would use the limited time frame of you best friends wife as a tool to punish your ex-wife..
Of course this did nothing to improve my opinion of my father.
It has been 30 days since I turned the big 21, and all i got was a small standard facebook message of a birthday wish. Surely your daughter turning 21 calls for a phone call or a visit right? Nope... got nothing. I can't tell if I'm sad, angry or disapointed.. or just numb to it because I never really expected any effort to be put in.
Lets just leave this common topic in this blog here.
Now to what I was really going to talk about.. can you guess? Thats right.. my life and Youtube and how it seems to have become one. I'm one of those eclectic people, to what I consider an extream.
One of my main things is movies.. I watch waayy to many..
TV series.. don't even get me started. I literally will watch an entire season in a day.. depending on the length of the episodes and the seasons.. somtimes 1 and a half or 2 in a day...
So you can guess from this that my new-ish Youtube addiction, how much time I can spend online watching all the stuff...
My addiction started out pretty innocent, I got really into one of the zombie sandbox games called 7 days to die (still pretty addicted to it) and I thought I would watch a few videos on Youtube to show me what the game was about.. and no I did not watch the 'how to' videos. It had basicly just come out. I watched some people who I didn't find all that engaging until I found Royal. He was funny and did awesome colabs with a few of his mates who I then fell in love with and followed them all.
From there it even got worse. I followed them across to Twitch, the live streaming site. And there were even more people to follow and watch. Twitch also became an addiction. But that isn't the point!
In the begining I was watching only about 4 of the guys on Youtube, my mate then introduced me to JackSepticEye, OMG love him! He is a fantastic Youtuber and so lovely to all his followers. From there it went to video bloggers on Youtube.. Such as people like Shane Dawson, Tyler Oakley, Dan and Phil (also I legit am looking on my Twiter and Youtube account to see who the hell I am following coz there are ..just a... few..few..
Basicly went from 4 to 17 and a few more that I just haven't followed yet but because the VidBlogger community is tight, I see all their new videos when they come up.
Newest addiction chanel on Youtube is LifeSimmer, she is fantastic and interesting to watch, playing Sims4.
No lie, I have spent the whole of this month (January) watching videos on Youtube..
Also I have insomnia, so I run out of things to watch and my failsafe is Youtube videos.
Anway was all I wanted to post up today, all the new things in my life other than a site that I haven't been on to for like 10 month stealing my money...
Anyway (for real this time) Ima go, I am watching Ritz on twitch haha, peace out ya'll and thanks for stopping by and spending the time to actually read all this stuff
love ya

Twitch account I'm watching: http://www.twitch.tv/ritzplays