New Introductions

Hi non blog readers, been awhile huh... yea

Lets just say, I have not been the bravest lately. In fact, I can safely say I have been a coward.

I thought I found heaven, my Superman, but so very clearly not. 

I will admit to have been blinded by rose tinted glasses, and left burned. But really, it was my own fault. 

Throughout my life i have often taken to blame others for things, and in part that is true. But i had forgotten one aspect of all the things wrong in my life. The key player in all this. Me.

So lets start again, you and me. Because i am new.

Hi. My name is Anne-Marie, I am twenty two years old, Capricorn. 

I was born in Hastings Hospital, 1993.

My Parents are Simone, and Pernell.

I have two siblings, my older brother Aaron and younger sister Azrielle.

I am studying at Massey University to become a social worker. 

Helping people has always been my dream, though that dream seems far to me at the moment. 

I currently work at an organisation as a part time support worker for people with developmental disabilities. And i have a cat named Regina, whom i adore greatly (even if i call her Satan :P)

From the contents below this post you would have read all about my depression and my seemingly endless trust issues, so i wont get into all that. No. Today, I am going to critically analyse myself.. Yikes...Well lets do this.

Where to start. Probably with relationships right? As that is the currently BIG thing in my head at the moment. 

I tend to fall for the bad guys. Well they aren't bad, just ended up hurting me. So automatically bad for me. They all happen to be long distance relationships (not just a different part of NZ, but whole oceans away) which i have been told is a way to protect myself from getting hurt... WELL FAT FUCKING LUCK THAT IS... stupid.. 

Sorry.. when i get told this it pisses me off to no end. BECAUSE I AM TO YOUNG AND DONT KNOW FUCKING ANYTHING BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE EXPERIENCE.. well fuck you i have had more in my life than i should have at my fucking age..

right.. rage over

I tend to fall for the broken boys and girls of the world, maybe its my need to help people and also be loved by them..maybe i think they wont hurt me.. or wont leave me.. i dont know...

could analyse this part for ages but i dont really have time for that. 

Right next part. I dont really know much about maintaining relationships, i know how to support people and talk, but i think i miss out on a key part. One of the other things i do to keep someone is use my body, sex appeal, and my kinkiness. And i know its wrong, i guess its my fucked up way of showing my partner that i love them? Or maybe its the only way how i know to express my love.

Its how I got the last one (who happened to be in a relationship of 5 years) and still was for the six months we were "together" I say this lightly as it wasn't really true. Well it was for me, not for him. 

I question myself all the time, "how do you end up in relationships that just end up leaving scars" 

Maybe because i dont know how to love? Well. Not properly anyway. Not even my friendships.

I tend to fuck them up too. 

I had to hurt one not to long ago... because i couldn't love him as i had once did. Also because i dont know how to love someone again. I am still working on what that looks like for me. I am not nearly close to the person I want to be yet. 

I was in a lecture the other day, and what he said stuck with me,  we are perpetually learning and growing and so constantly developing who we are.. 

...and so for now. I am Anne-Marie, I am twenty two years old and working towards being a social worker. I have many scars, some not just on my skin. I had forgotten how much i loved to create art, and how to love, and so re-learning them.

I adore my crazy, imperfect family, and I havent spoken to my father for almost a year now (it could be a year, i can't remember) and i may never talk to him again. But, you never know what the future may bring.

I am still learning about who I am and to embrace it all with pride..

And you to.. its ok if you haven't gotten it all sorted out.. everyone of us are still learning about who and what we are..perpetually learning <3