Linkin Park and Cat Cuddles

Hello to all the non-existent people who don't read my blog, how are you all?

Well I am not doing so well, as I expected for around this time of year. Also what makes it all the better is your mother sending you a text just to remind you that it has been two years since the worst day of my life so far.. thanks mum.. awesome. 

I can't accurately express everything. My head is a mess and I am feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Questioning my own life again.. and hoping I don't wake up... Its not a way to live is it? More like filling a space and just existing within that space.

I want to have more meaning than that. I want to do something good, something that makes a difference. 

IM NOT OK! 

Fuck balls..i can't event stick to a train of thought. 

I'm getting tired again.. i hate this feeling.. warped and spinning in circles, crying at stupid things. 

My first boy firend treated me like shit, my first girl friend dumped me, I can't blame her i wasn't really good to her.. It was a stupid comment that my nan said to me that made me question my own choices.. thats not family right? Family is supose to stand with you right? My next boy friend wasn't ready for a relationship and i couldn't handle a guy like that. We are still friends to this day though haha.

There are so many other things that are going through my head. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GET PEOPLE FOR XMAS!

I dont want to leave my cat alone while i go to my mums for christmas. Sounds dumb right? But i dont want her to feel lonely, shes my baby girl. 

I feel kinda used by people, i use them to of course, everyone does that. Its human nature to use one another, and no not in a dirty way, get your minds out of the gutter. 

I really want to be in a relationship. I want someone to look at me and feel all light inside, someone to hold my hand, kiss me, and just hold me. Laugh with me, or at me when i do stupid shit, to tell me off when i go to dark places. 

I want some Unconiditional Love..

I DONT WANT A 21ST! I dont want a party, I just want to be.. do something that i want. Hang with people, go for a long walk along the beach. I just want to have a fun day.. Nope a Party it has to be.. why?? Why you ask? Because that is what my family wants.. right? Coz it doesnt matter that I DIDNT WANT A FUCKING BIRTHDAY AGAIN I FUCKING HATE IT, GOT IT! FUCKING HATE IT!! My own birthday its a trumatic event for me.. like what the fuck is wrong with me that thats a thing?? I wana just run away.. I dont want a day like that anymore.. I'ma just forget that day this year.. its not a birthday.. just a day..of celebration? A day to hang with me? I dont know ...

Fuck it, I'm outies bitches.. 

peace