UnconditionalTeddi: Dreaming of Better Days

Hello, back again

I have been needing to write and could not think of the medium in which i needed to. I then i was like, hey... I have a blog that i could write on haha.

Where to start. Well in the begining, I made this blog cause my friend had one and it made me want one, a place that i could just post what ever i wanted and be completely anonymous. A Place to rant about all the shit things going on. But thats not what this one is going to be about. Its going to be my most honest blog post yet.
My name is Anne-Marie, I am 20 years old (turning 21 in December)
I am currently studying at Massey University in Palmerston North to become a Social Worker.

I am 5ft 11 and i have no idea how much I weigh.. dont really want to either haha
My room is highly themed in the colour purple and an impressive collection of soft toys and cute things.
I love dragons and nice smelling candles. I also love owls and bears, and yes teddy bears.
I collect spiritual stones and believe that what ever happens in life, happens for a reason. Even if we dont know why yet.
I have a cat who I adore, even though she anoys the hell out of me sometimes. Her name is Regina and she is currently about 10 years old (adopted her about a year and a half ago).

When i was 16 i had my first boyfriend, we were in a long distance relationship (he lives in America) and he was 20 at the time. We'll call him R. We went out for two years, until I broke it off before I started univeristy.
We had broken up once before, he dumped me, because I had a very close guy mate and R got jealous and broke up with me.
I was at the stupid age where if anyone showed me any attention, I would lap it up, roll around in it like a giant pile of leaves in autum. I was never unfaithful to R, but I did flirt a lot with other people. I was also that girl who would do anything for the one they loved, even if it made them extreamly uncomfortable. And I, like many girlfriends all over the world, sent nude pictures to him. it made me feel sexy that i could do that and arouse him. Well after i broke up with him, it turned around and bit me in the arse.

He sent the pictures to all my friends on facebook, including my big brother, and one of his mates who then messaged me and harrased me. I was humiliated and felt so ashamed that i had done that, and that others were seeing something i sent in confidence to someone. So i started up a lie that i was drunk when he took those photos. It made me feel better that the blame wasn't on me. That he was the only bad guy. I didnt feel so ashamed after i spreed that lie around.

I broke up with R because I could see how dark my path was ahead. I had stopped eating, my moods were on a constant low, and I knew that i would end up making myself ill if i carried on.

So I sent him a message, i took the cowards way out with this one. I just couldn't bring myself to wait till i could get home and call R over skype. So using the free facebook on my phone, i sent a long message during lunchtime.

We did talk after school, though i didn't really want to. But i did, and then he convinced me that we should try for a week, see if he could change. I couldn't even last two days. But it wasn't him that i wanted to change, it was me that needed to change. To move on.

I did go out with my first girlfriend in the period that me and R were broken up the first time. It didn't last as i was a pretty shit girlfriend to her and i understood why she broke up with me.

The next was B and he was so good to me. Sweet and caring. I could not tell you if he was my rebound guy, or someone I genuinly wanted to be with. It didn't work out with him either, but for a whole bunch of different reasons. He wasn't quite ready for a relationship with a girl like me. We are still friends to this day, and flirt buddies..

I have been single for about two years. And sure its fucking lonely as shit, and im pretty sure I'm turning into a crazy cat lady, but it is also good for me to just be with me for a while. To take care of me.

Taking care of me is so fucking hard by the way. I am a whole bunch of trust issues and dark thoughts. And then my parents split up cause my dad wanted out after spending a good few years into their marriage cheating on my mum with four other women.

Now i could go on to a whole rant about all of this shit. but i wont cause that would take a freaking long time. There is way to much context that i cannot be assed typing out. But the basics is, is that my dad lives in his own fantasy world, he creates things in his head that he believes so totally it blinds him from the truth. He also refussed to leave my mum alone to live her new life. And shes also as fucked up as I am, mentally, but she actually has her shit together, unlike her daughter.

I am currently lost in my own life. Feeling like shit all the time, feeling like i have to be the middle man and keep everyone happy.

I want to be me, I want to be able to say things that i want without having my head ripped off (by my dad).

I am not a happy young woman. I fight with myself everyday to get up and do the things that need to be done. I get mad for no reason. I am so fucking lazy its unreal. And i have lost my some of my ability to have faith in people. More faith than they put in themselves.

I have even been watching Youtube videos now, speanding most of my days doing that. I think its because I can like these guys, form a crush on them, from an extreamly long and safe distance away. I even gave up on my exersice routine.

I feel out of touch with my spirituality which was something i was so pasionate about. I feel like its moving on, that I do believe in it but i no longer need it to be a stong factor in my life at present. That i need to learn about me, and have faith in myself now.

I keep saying in my diary that one day i will get to that good place. I i really do hope that one day I can reach that good place in my life and within myself. Learn to love me, and not just others.

After all this i feel rather sleepy. I should go to bed now anyway, dad is coming by tomorrow for lunch and to drop off stuffs at my brothers.

I know no one would read this, but if you do, thanks for taking the time to read to the bottom.

I wish you good luck in your own life, and just know, that there are a lot of people in your life that love you and have faith in you.

PeaceOutandLove from me (Unconditional Teddi <3)